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HomeHomeGlasgow Sands F...Glasgow Sands F...General Discuss...General Discuss...So confused, why us?So confused, why us?
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04/07/2012 11:42
 
I had a perfect pregnancy but was booked in for 4pm on 30/5/12 (12 days over my due date) to get induced as I hadn't gone in to labour on my own.  I'd felt my baby move that day but on going in at 4pm, we were told that my baby's heart had stopped beating and would be born stillborn. We were absolutely devastated and just don't get it.  Why did this happen to us, why at such a late stage in my pregnancy after everything going so well.  My son was born on 31/5/12 weighing 8lb 9 and was just perfect, absolutely beautiful.  Initial tests show that it looks likely to be in the hour or so leading up to us going in at 4pm that his heart stopped. We're stunned and just don't understand it.  Now we're just so sad, trying to be strong but nothing feels right.  All that time waiting on our wee baby, so excited to meet him, to now be here without him is too hard to take.  Will we ever understand and does it really get easier like they say it will?
 
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10/07/2012 10:35
 
Hi DeborahD

What you are feeling is normal, too many questions running around in your head and not enough answers. You may never understand what has happened, you may never know why it has happened, but, in time, it will get easier! The support that you get from family, friends, SANDS or whoever you look to will help you, as well at time, to make things easier. For some people it may be a short time for others it may be longer but it will get easier.
What did you call your wee precious boy?
My wife lost our wee boy Fraser at 38.5 weeks and like you we were full of the joys at the prospect of bringing our wee boy home after he was born and like you our lives were thrown into chaos. Our world had collapsed beneath us and there was no horizon to look upon. 
2 years later i am now a Glasgow SANDS befriender and know what you must be feeling like right now. There is not a day goes by where i don't think 'Why Fraser', 'Why us'. The Anger, the feeling of despair and the feeling of being alone in this world are just some of the emotions that you may be feeling, again this is normal, (your previously 'normal' will never be normal again) but you must let these emotions out don't bottle them up.
I felt that for the first few weeks/months were the 'darkest days of my life' but then i started attending the SANDS meetings and suddenly i felt i was not alone in the world anymore there was loads of parents that had been through what i had experienced and they were now (not all) in a much better place, for them it had got easier. The pain of loosing your wee boy will never go away but it will get easier.

SANDS is for everyone ie you, hubby/partner,grandparents etc. We will offer as much or as little support that you feel you need . Remember we have all been there too and possibly just having a person to talk to that has went through what you have helps both parties.
I certainly got a lot of solace from hearing others in the group talking about their own special wee angel(s) and from sharing my experience!

Did you get a post-mortem done? We did, but the results we inconclusive!!! So again questions were unanswered!

the befriender helpline is at the top of the website and you will also find dates and times of our meetings on the website.
I hope that you find the support that you need to ge through this heart-breaking time

take care and keep in touch, if you need us we will be there!

GavinM
 
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11/07/2012 10:32
 
Thanks for your reply Gavin.

We called our beautiful boy Scott after his daddy and he was my husband's double.  We authorised a post mortem and this was done 5 weeks ago now so we're just waiting on news of their findings.  We've been told to prepare for no answer though.  We just cannot understand it and like you say, probably never will, no matter what the results come back with.  We just feel so cheated, taking our boy from us is just too cruel.

I feel that it helps to talk about it and to hear that we aren't alone in this so we are considering attending the SANDS group but just don't feel quite ready yet.  As soon as I start talking to someone face to face about my boy I just cry - it breaks my heart to love him so much and be so proud of him yet not have him here with us how it should be.

I constantly have this nervous like feeling where I just need to do something all the time, just keep busy as as soon as I stop, the thoughts just run through my mind and make me feel ill.  We're absolutely shattered yet can't sleep for all the thoughts, if only this had happened or I wish we'd have been taken in sooner etc.  Even though we know we can't change it - can't help but think about it all over and over.

It's just so terribly unfair though and although we're trying to plod on as best as we can, it's just so hard.  We keep getting told to focus on the future and we'll be blessed with another baby but I just want my boy back.  Plus how can we risk going through a pregnancy again knowing this could happen again - I couldn't go through this again.  They said I'd be closer monitored and the chances are low etc but it's just unthinkable just now.

Deborah
 
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17/07/2012 01:06
 
Hi DeborahD

The pain you are going through will ease in time. The result of a PM may not give you the answers you so badly crave, in fact it can lead to even more questions that you dont get answers for!! When you go for the PM result dont be afraid to ask your consultant to explain things in more detail or to give it to you in more plain english as they tend to use a lot of medical terms which (speaking from experience) may mean nothing to us. He may give you a lot of info in a very short time so ask him to repeat if you are not clear on anything, but again be prepared to still not understand exactly what happened to Scott.

Its sometimes a tough step to take to attend our meetings but if you are happy to speak to us on the phone please dont hesitate to call us.

The more you keep your self busy the less time you have to dwell on the loss of your gorgeous wee boy, we have all felt that way. Its our bodies way of trying to block out the pain that is hurting us, again this is normal after what you and your family have had to endure over the past few weeks.
there will be times that you feel that everything is against you and yes times will be hard but that is where the strong support of family, friends and sands if you want it can be vital to you but you will get through it.........you will!

sometimes getting told to 'focus on the future' and 'you will be blessed with another' is just what you dont want to hear right now. Right now you dont want 'another' you just want Scott and you want him now not in the future!!!
What kept my wife and i going was to look at what is happening to you right now and get that part fixed before you look to the future.
we took it in stages and we focused on the results of the PM then we focused on getting ourselves the help we needed to move on just enough to get us through the days and the nights with a little bit of normality. Any future pregnancy was not even considered at this time.
we focused on what what happening to us on that day not trying to speculate as to what might happen in the future until that time came.
everyone is different and everyone will have their own way of dealing with their own specific situations but if we at SANDS can assist you in any way then please let us know. hopefully this is of some help to you right now!
we worried about the next pregnancy when it happened and yes every day of that pregnancy was a worry!!! every day!!!
we were lucky enough to go on to have another wee boy Euan now 15 months but every day we still think of our lost angel Fraser, nothing will change that.

take care DeborahD and stay focused on what is happening to you now and you will get through this, SANDS will always be there for you when you feel ready but dont worry about breaking down in front of us remember we have all been in a similiar situation to you and despite being more than 2 years down the line I sometimes still get teary when speaking about my wee boy!

my thoughts are with you.

GavinM
 
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01/08/2012 11:55
 
Hi Gavin,

Scott and I are doing ok considering.  We are still very angry that this has happened and we miss wee Scott every single day and still keep wishing it was different.  We know it's not though and are just plodding on.  Some days I picture it how it should've been, dressing him up in all his wee outfits, picture myself feeding him or admiring him while he slept.  I still have that, it's so unfair, feeling but we do feel that it is getting easier with each day.

We got the post mortem results last week.  There was nothing wrong with me nor wee Scott, he was just perfect.  We knew he was!  The Doctors exact words were, the placenta starts to deteriorate after 40 weeks and 12 days over was just too long for mine and it had failed.  He said if we'd have been in the day before, we wouldn't have been sitting there that day getting the results as it would've been ok.  He said if we'd have had a 9am appointment instead of a 4pm appointment, chances are it would've been ok too.  He said it literally was down to a few hours.  The timescale he gave us was 12 noon to 4pm.  We're really quite angry though as even though our appointment was at 4pm, the midwife we had messed about quite a bit so it was 17:10 before she actually seen to us so that added time on to what could have been our son still being here.  Chances are it happened before that but we'll never know now.

It's so infuriating though as if they know the placenta starts to deteriorate after 40 weeks, why leave you so long!  The explanation he gave us was that it was basically to save money which is just disgusting.  It's to give you best chance of you going in to labour on your own and save them money on treatment, longer hospital stay etc.  My last check up before we went in to get induced was a whole week before, again surely they must check you more if they know the placenta could be failing.

So although now we know why Scott died - it has just made us angrier knowing that it was through no medical condition to me nor him and that it was completely avoidable.  We feel even more hard done by now.  We put all our trust in them and feel that leaving us 12 days over put us at risk and turned out to be fatal for our boy.  We were told that's the procedures though and they would do the same again tomorrow with someone elses pregnancy.

I think this issue is happening way too often though and it's just unacceptable.  The health care we have now, the technology etc - they need to work on cutting these tragic deaths as it's just unbearable and affects people for life.

I'd just like to thank you for your replies to me and want you to know that it helped me and my husband.  We're taking each day at a time for now but do feel we're doing better than we were.

Deborah
 
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HomeHomeGlasgow Sands F...Glasgow Sands F...General Discuss...General Discuss...So confused, why us?So confused, why us?


The Glasgow SANDS organisation produces support leaflets, these are normally provided to bereaved parents during their stay in hospital and can also be collected from our Support Meetings. 

Health Professionals can request these leaflets and we will issue you free of charge copies as required - Please click to view leaflets and how to order 
Glasgow SANDS donate quarterly to the National Organisation who are working to promote research and improvements in practice which could save babies' lives.


This section contains first hand experiences written by parents and their relatives about the death of their baby, plus a selection of poems and memorials. Please click on the links to read more.



Parents Experiences Relatives Experiences Poems/Memorials
Fundraising with Glasgow SANDS

Glasgow SANDS is a charity that receives no goverment funding, all financial support comes from fundraisers and their wonderful efforts.  Losing a baby not only affects the immediate family but friends and the extended family too. Find out how you can help...



Add a Memorial Page
Add a Memorial Page
Within the Chapel of Rest at each of the maternity hospitals across the city, and at Wishaw, Glasgow SANDS befrienders work with the staff to maintain memorial books.  These leather bound books are available for all to read. For the Southern General you will need to request to view them at the maternity Hospital.


Should you wish to add a page you can - click here to find out how




We are so sorry that your baby has died.

 

Memory BoxIt may feel very hard to take in the reality of what has happened and to have any thoughts of what to do next. However, many parents have told us how important the memories of the short time they have with their baby are and that they have found it comforting to have reminders that they can look at and hold.

This ‘Always Loved, Never Forgotten’ memory box is given by Glasgow Sands as a way to create some memories which you can cherish.

 

Should you wish to request a Memory Box you can - click here to find out how